A monster

I remade my tumblr today. because I like tumblr. and i never really used it before but i started using it more today and i realised every single tumblr page i went on had pictures of skinny girls on. or at least one picture. and at first i didnt think anything of it. but as i went on more and more blogs. and more and more pictures were appearing i realised. people who i thought were smarter than that. people who i'd never of thought to think like that. but i almost understood it. as i was looking through these pictures and clicking on pages with more and more of these pictures i almost got sucked in too. i was thinking 'wow she looks quite nice' 'i wish i was more skinny' and then i found myself on youtube looking at videos of peoples anorexia stories. i was in a trance. i was fascinated by the bones and the flat tummys. then my mum called me for dinner and all at once i was spat out again. but it left a horrible physical sensation over me. my fingers are freezing, i'm shaking, my arms are heavy. i'm finding it incredibly hard to type. and i don't know why it's all had such an impact on me. but i'm realising how easy it is to be sucked into it all. to be sucked into and moulded into the idea of 'perfect'. and it's really rather scary.

A do-over?

I'm sitting here, in my trackies, at 10 to 10 on a school night, looking through blogs/pictures/twitter etc when I have shitloads of homework to be getting on with. So naturally I decide to write a spontaneous blog post.
I thought I was over it all; well I was. I don't want to sit here and be all emotive but I need to get the jumble of words in my head down in black and white.
And believe me this will make no sense. Because nothing makes sense anymore. I can't seem to get my head around anything at all. I can't even get my head around what I need to get my head around!

I'm tangling my headphones again as I fall down the rabbit hole.

That's about the only thing I'm positive of at the moment.

It's crazy how much I want to be other people. Anyone. Everyone.
The people I follow on Twitter.
The pictures I see on We Heart It.
The blogs I follow on here and Tumblr.
Everyone else seems so perfect. Even those who openly express all their flaws; I'd rather have their flaws than mine.
I try and be like them but they aren't me and I'm not them so I can never truly be them.

And I think I need a make-over.
I literally need just 1 whole day to just sit under my bed covers and think, think about everything. Think about who I am and what I stand for. And then I need to change. Because I feel like a second rate version of everyone I look up to.
I need to delete my Twitter, my Tumblr, my blog and just re-do it all. As me.
In fact, I think the only thing that really does show me as me is my Facebook, which is ironic because the amount I loathe Facebook is incredible. But considering how much I hate it, I was much more myself when I was using it than when I got Twitter etc.
I need to block out all other influences in my life. Unfollow everyone I look up to and just focus on what I suit and what I like. It will probably take me a while though.
Omfg idek rn tbh.

i wish i lived my we heart it page

Why is a tree called a tree? Why is a door called a door? Who came up with the names for things? It must of started somewhere? So how do we know that actually originally..a door was called a tree? And a tree was called a door? You just don't know!However I do know the general meaning of the word 'friend'..ask anyone! They'd say the same..kind, trustworthy, always there for you.. But is that just someones general personality? A lot of people are just naturally good and nice so when they meet someone else they become a 'friend'..and some people are initially nice so we think they're our 'friend' but then they don't end up acting like a friend? So were they ever a friend at all? Or were they just that person who's nice but not really a true friend? But I mean does that even matter? Everyone has at least one true friend; I know I have a few.. So these 'not really friends' isn't a problem, it's nice to have just people who are nice isn't it.

on the right track

Although my puzzle isn't complete yet, a lot of the pieces have finally come together.  I've never been overly keen on 'searching for myself' but I never really knew, because I never realised, everyone had to know who they were? I always thought that we are who we are, we like what we like..why label it all? And I still think that! 'Fuck the cliche'! I don't think I'm one or the other of anything. I like a lot of different things and THAT is who I am. A lot of people feel the need to label who they are; and I guess that's sort of like judging people but judging yourself. And don't even get me wrong because I do it sooooo much (which is really bad-so I'm going to stop) but the majority of the world are somewhere in between a bit of everything.
I've always tried to fit in with one crowd and push myself out of the other completely, which always ended up depressing me because I could never be completely like them because me, Grace Vandersypen, just isn't like that.

yay me!

i'm finally starting to feel happy with myself; i'm not constantly comparing myself to everyone because at the end of the day i am me. not you. her or her. i am me and i am happy with that. everyone has their own style/look about them and that's theirs, not mine. where's the fun in everyone being the same?! so i'll just stop making myself feel shit now and get on with my own life :-)

For Sophia-

I never got the chance to send this to you for your birthday last year, and i don't think it will ever get sent so i'll write it on here instead..

forgive my feeble attempt(a)..
But this is just a incy little present to you of everything I'd love to say to you (which I usually do say to you numerous times on love like hates, so its nothing you haven't heard before;)!)
Well I guess to start off..happy birthday sophalam!:')
You already know that your my bestest everrrrrr friend everr! (but I just had to say it again:3), the amount of memories we've had together are just insane! I mean seriously;o, and its even more amazing considering we only really became proper friends in year 9 in our drama class;D woah it feels like aaaages ago D: how we always used to plan our little campouts in ellington and stuff!:') gah we were cuuuuute >.< pahaha who am I kidding? we still plan little campouts;D! I guess some things just never change:')..
I can literally trust you with my life (well not when your paraletic;)) and I can actually talk to you about anything and everything! Your so understanding and caring, and your always willing to help out other people before yourself:')) it makes you that even more lovable! and I just feel that its not fair on you sometimes because everyone comes to you for help and advice but who do you turn to?... Well ME of course;D tehee! I just hope you know that I will always be there for you! ALWAYS! I may not give the bestest advice in the world but I will always try my hardest:'D through whatever..I pinky promise youuu<3 even when your off your head throwing up everywhere, I still care about you;).
Now I can't do a paragraph to you withouth mentioning our phone calls;)..where would I be without them!? On christmas day...at one/two in the morning...you name it;D oh the amount of credit I've wasted on you my friend;).
OH and my dads! WELL! Where do I begin!? Seriously..some of the best times ever there! One defo being that festival!(Buzzing for this year xD) and his nom pancakes:')..and all that alcohol he stores in his garage;D! Mmm and we can't forget dianas son miles..jizz or!?;D<3 I actually love how your my dad buddy and from the very first day we went there you've definitely been like part of the family..and I can assure you now that even my dad loves you(surprisingly;)) and I think my dad finds it difficult to bond with new people...so well done;D! I still wonder how our tree is doing? And ohhh our splatman!:') I bet the mark is still there;) poor thing.
Even though the times at my daddys have been the best..we can't forget about dinosaur and crab;D we haven't done them in sooo long!:L and all the phrases I steal off you which you steal from izzie;).
And I can't not mention our bestest friend james abraham..gotta love that kid orrrr!? and woah we know what will happen if he even tries to touch you! Little whirling durvish here!;) still can't believe I missed your fight-_- but I'm sure you did huntingdon proud:') I can definitely imagine you punching and kicking like there's no tomorrow! And now I see why I really had nothing to be scared of if hannah tried to slap me that time;)!
There's one person that probably shouldn't be mentioned here but zack..I owe you the biggest thankyou ever! For everything with that dude:') all the crying and the pain:L also the good times too though! You've been there through everything with him and another thankyou for sticking with me and staying on my side through it all!
I know by now your probably thinking..jesus christ? will it ever end? And yeah hopefully it will:L and also don't worry..this isn't your present;) I'm still getting you something else don't you worry!;D
On a serious note-
I know your best friend is brogan, and I know my best friend is lauren..and I know that your changing and becoming better friends with other people that I never expected any of us to do:L but tbf we're all changing, we're all growing up..getting closer with new and different people which is fair enough..but I'm just saying that I really never want to lose you as my best ever friends..the one that I can always rely on and the one who's always there for me..the one who I can be a retard around and the one who will be right there onn the phone at 3 in the morning! And you know I'll be that for you aswell:') (call me soppy but whatever!). I know that our memory box will just keep growing and hopefully we'll see my dad again soon;D I just don't want to grow too far apart because you really are my bestest best friend and you always will be:'). Sometimes I still read over all our wall posts and I'm just like woaaah! Its amazing!:)
Anyway..happy birthday again:) I love you looooooooads!
Grace xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

twitter shit!

I got twitter so I could say how i feel, so i could speak my mind, so i could see what other people have to say and because i loathe facebook statuses.
I follow quite a lot of random people- mainly because they have more than 1000 tweets and more than 1000 followers, and i've made the connection that the more tweets you make, the more followers you get. And all these random (to me 'twitter famous') people I follow speak their mind and say how the feel etc and they still have like 567147 followers but when I decide to tweet my mind i lose about 2 followers each time?
I know it's a petty thing to rant about as it's only 2 but i mean what did I say that was so bad/annoying for people to unfollow me? How come everyone else can speak their mind and i can't? Being unfollowed just makes me feel like i'm annoying, so whenever i tweet i feel like i have to step on eggshells and be careful what i say incase i get unfollowed! Which is so wrong in so many ways. It just annoys me because thats why i never wrote a facebook status and now twitters exactly the same! But to be honest, all these 'twitter famous' people get so much hate and i'm sure they get unfollowed too, it's just me being paranoid. But in all seriousness I need to change my ways and tweet what the fuck i like, so i don't care about losing followers and so i can be confident in what i say!
#rantover

G.L.A.M.O.R.O.U.S.

I've never had a proper icon; no one I looked up to, no one I aspired to be like..not a celebrity or a family member. Which is rather ironic considering I try to be like everyone except myself.
But as 'Sex and the City' was recently fully introduced to me by my mum, (the books, the series, the movies) I immediately fell in love with the lifestyle of Carrie Bradshaw.

I've always loved the glitz and glamour but I've never stopped to consider how people ended up like that. I thought people were just born into it but Carrie is a great example of someone who wasn't. She started in a small town, just like any other teenage girl, and made it to the big apple all by herself. Obviously some of it was down to who she met along the way but nevertheless she became a style icon of Manhattan.
I know she's just a fictional character but through all her typical teenage blunders and embarrassments, which are so relatable, she seems so real and genuine! I also realise this it's all fictional story lines, just like any other idealistic film or series, but with Sex and the City none of it actually seems too far away from what one of our lives could actually be like.

busy as a bee

sorry i haven't posted in a while.
well i'm not because hardly anyone follows me but i feel like i've been neglecting my blog D:
i've been really busy.. with erm.. stuff o.O
but i will start writing again soon;3 i have a few things to say!
even things about new years which was erm.. a while ago now so yeah:-)
BYE!

pump up the volume dance dance dance

this is my new found love!
i heard it on big brother as a background song and i was like omg i have to have it, only to find its 1. by david guetta! 2. in the top 10! so obviously i downloaded it;D just blaring it out on the bass bose speakers as we speak:3
my other favourite song is

i listened to this for an hour and a half in the car once o.O i LOVE IT!

I know how to say

te amo
je t'aime
seni seviyorum
kocham cie
wo ie ni
ich liebe dich
taim i'  ngra leat
i love you!

^^this right here is ruining our childhood.^^

'just be true to who you are'

it's so easy to say isn't it..it's easy to think about too..
but when it comes down to it..is it as easy as it's spoken?
i feel like i've had an epiphany (if i knew what it meant), i feel like on this average thursday evening i've finally opened the closed door and i'm taking my first step through to finding my way home.
but..am i? i'm not even sure where 'home' is for me..

is anyone ever completely content with themselves? i know i'm not.
there's always something with me..never nothing. but..who wants nothing to focus on? wouldn't that get boring? although it's not good to criticize yourself; being perfect is being imperfect.

maybe if i could take my own advice i wouldn't be writing this though.
i go on tumblr/we heart it/blogspot/facebook and everywhere i see great fashion sense, creativity, energy, amazing hair.. and each time i think 'i wish i was like you'.
i realise i've been trying so hard to be someone i'm not..or maybe it's someone i am or could be, i just don't know how yet; but it just gets me down every time because personally i guess i don't value myself as much..and i think perhaps this is why i look up to all these people. so it's like a vicious circle constantly grabbing my ankles and pulling me round..but there has to be an exit.
which leads me to my epiphany..
looking at old pictures always brings up memories; good and bad. and i saw some pictures of me from 1/2 years ago and i thought 'i actually look nice', for once it wasn't some one else i wanted to be..it was a past me. and it was back then that I was my own person, and it definitely showed.
all i need to work on is finding the path back to that person; which I know will be difficult but not impossible.